The personal may be highly political. This concept was again confirmed as I read the book Treatment of Shame by Finnish psychotherapist Katja Myllyviita.
Myllyviita makes a distinction between healthy shame - which is connected to a particular act - and bad shame, which starts to define an individual's perception of themselves.
The book describes how a repeatedly shamed person becomes alienated from themselves and others, starts to isolate themselves to protect themselves from rejection. They may even develop other symptoms like addictive, overachieving, or even narcisisstic or violent behaviour.
Groups of people, considered as threats by the mainstream population (based on gender, ethnic background etc.) may also be subjected to shaming and discrimination, in which case the goal is to silence them and make them invisible.
Although I read the book mainly to deal with my own feelings of shame, I began to think about the epidemics of addiction and burnout among young people. Could the shame children experience about not being seen or truly heard lie at least partly behind these symptoms?
If only I, as a parent, had known more about the origins of shame: even if there are no bad intentions, one can cause overwhelming shame just by being a parent who is not present mentally. A child experiences shame, when they are not heard or seen, when their needs are not met; when the parent is not available, when the child needs them.
Pathological shame is a reaction in a situation where an individual feels that their need to be accepted, need to belong as well as their perception of themselves are threatened. It seems that this kind of shame, when not processed, may have a disastrous effect on an individual's whole life.
To free themshelves from the grip of shame a person needs an opportunity to feel accepted and to receive appreciation from others. This only happens if we are allowed to be connected with others, Myllyviita sums up.
To put it into other words: acceptance and appreciation, as well as being connected with others protect an individual from shame. This can be seen in practice when for example persons recovering from mental health conditions are allowed to participate in working life, health permitting. It is important that no one is left to cope on their own.
It is gratifying how Myllyviita brings an atmosphere of security and hope to the treatment of shame. In an environment filled with empathy, it is possible to deal with one's experiences of shame, and practise facing one's fears and neediness.
The main goal is to learn to feel empathy towards oneself. When processing trauma, one can face unbearable experiences when supported by the strenghtened empathic side of oneself. The book in hand offers illuminating case studies and excellent exercises to a reader who wishes to deal with one's feelings of shame in a structured manner.
The book Häpeän hoito (Finnish; translated Treatment of Shame) is intended as a manual for professionals. Yet, anyone wanting to know oneself better and to improve one's quality of life will benefit from reading this book.
Myllyviita, Katja: Häpeän hoito (Treatment of Shame). Duodecim, 2021.
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